Torpe Chronicles

A partly-fiction and partly-true-to-life story. This was actually a story of my classmate. Ha-ha! His name is Vincent and I fabricated a few parts to make it not-so-boring. Being torpe is boring :P

I get the message: Stay away. For the past few days, you have become peculiarly cold towards me. You've constantly avoided me. Probably, you just accidentally signed off your Y!M when I PM-ed you or maybe your internet just broke down. When I tried to foot the bill for you, you turned down the offer saying, "I must go now" and that you'll find time, soon. Maybe you have more urgent priorities. I waited and is still waiting for so long, patiently. Why I am doing this? I want to. Besides, I am your bestfriend but I never wanted to be one. I want to be someone more than that, more than being your platonic friend. I know it sounds absurd and even foolish but I can't help it. It's something uncontrollable, somehow unimaginable. One thing I am sure of is, it's not meant to happen, this wish I am wishing for so long, not even in my wildest dreams.

I first saw her in when we were just freshmen. We were classmates back then. My first memory of her was when she was at the backmost corner of the room with her two newfound friends. I don't know why but I can't remove that image from my system. It keeps on rewinding and repeating itself like some recording machine. It's as if it happened moments ago when in an instant I was struck by her. I was in a daze, speechless for everything I wished for is right before my very eyes. Love at first sight? Nah. It was more of a crush to me, I think. I don't know. I was confused. I was too naive, that I can't even distinguish if its a crush or whatever it was. It's not just her long, silky and black hair, which reminds me of the pitch-black and starless sky, that I adored but I do also find her to be a naturally sweet person. At times when she'd caught me staring at her, she took no offense but rather, she smiled back that I could almost feel myself melting inside. She asked me if I was just fine. I was to say, "I couldn't be more than fine if you're always smiling like that" but I did not. Once she found me alone, being an introvert I was, she stayed behind and we talked about random things. I was caught unaware one time when she asked about three dried flowers I kept in my collection to which I replied that it came from some friend. You see, when I was in grade school, I had this seatmate who was not exactly a "bestfriend" quality but more of a special friend. She is pretty and still is, really thoughtful and sweet too but she can be a parasite sometimes. You know the kind of person who gains your affection then ask for "favors"? She was like that. Weeks before graduation, she gave me these three translucent, dried flowers she kept. I can see that she took good care of it that it took her years of waiting before the flowers became beautifully-preserved. She might really have cared for me after all. Anyway, I told her that, every detail I remembered of those flowers. And she speculated, if my ears heard her right, "baka naman may crush sa'yo?"I brushed off the idea but well, it left me with an impression. I was dumbfounded but at the same time, I also feel my hopes heightened with anticipation. What do you expect? If your crush tells you that, maybe, just maybe, she also sees something in you, baka may crush din sya sa'yo di ba? But then, on the other side of the fence, I am no Brad Pitt. I am not good-looking and I am not tall enough for people's standards. The only thing I can boast of is my IQ which is above average, that most people I've encountered thought I am a nerd. It never came to mind that someone will ever took interest or even notice me. It was hopeless.

I am not her classmate anymore. Now that we're on our second year of high school life, the year when hormones usually came in raging, I had a feeling of sudden loss. We are rooms apart now. I always make it a point pass by her classroom. If I had too, I made up excuses to catch a glimpse of her. It also became my everyday routine to visit the place I call the egghead room. Why? Because she's always there. I always keep a keen eye on the door, hoping that she'll enter its wooden doors. Sometimes, I'm in a loss of reasons of why I should even visit it. Only one reason makes me come back, HER, even if it means going alone and looking like a loner. But not all times it was like that, sometimes she would arrive without me knowing it and she covers my eyes from behind. I really liked that. It was also in that same year when she had a suitor. He was my complete opposite: tall and much more good-looking. I feel inferior compared to him. I even thought "she and him" would become an item. But no, it did not happen to my delight. It would be my fiasco if she gave him her "yes". She also opened up to me that someone did court her earlier, in our first year. He also had the looks but anyway, he was also turned down. When I asked her why, she replied, "Ayaw ko tsaka bawal pa". It was then that I had the feeling that it might no longer be a simple crush but it developed into something. This was the first first time I felt jealous. I thought I was abnormal. I convinced myself that this was nothing but a mere infatuation but I feel helpless because I like what I was feeling.

Over the summer, I was wondering if I should confess. Anyway, everyone needs to be loved back, right? I promised myself that I'll spill out everything to pour out everything my heart needs to say. There are nights that when I see her in my dreams, probably she was just dropping by to say hello. It made my mornings really eventful.

I stepped the school corridors once more and I was excited as ever. I am in my third year and so is my longing to be loved back. I was already desperate. When ever I tried to put up the courage to speak, my whole body feels numb and I feel my feet weighs tons that it won't even move. It was always like that. I contented myself with just being able to talk to her, to see her and even do her assignments. Yes, it became my pleasure to do that. I love what I am doing. But sometimes, it came to my thinking if there really is a spark between us or she was just using me? Did I already showed the "too much" part that everytime she needs help, here I am, the Superman who always do things for her. I let that thinking slipped away. I don't like to think that she is just taking advantage of me, that she's just playing games. Other than that, hordes of suitors came in courting her. Then she'd tell me about them and asks what I think of them, if she should just turn them down one-by-one or do it all at the same time. She was kind of merciless sometimes that I became afraid that I might blow everything up when I opened up to her. I decided to give myself a breathing space and it was then that I met another person, the person who became one of my special friends. Going with me during breaks and teasing each other until we can't laugh anymore, she became a confidant. There was nothing more than that, we were just friends. Without any notice, she suddenly became distant from me, almost emotionless and sometimes moody. I can't understand her. At times, she snobbed me. The next moment I saw her, she became the sweet girl I knew she was. Sometimes it makes me wonder how I fell in love with a person like her.

It's June once more. It will be the last ten months and we'll probably be parting ways but I still can't do it. I am afraid of rejection. It may sound cowardly but it's true. Especially now that she has become passive and hardly heard anything from her yet. We are just a few steps apart yet her presence seems to be miles away. I am still hoping. Am I waiting for something? Or am I waiting for nothing? Nevertheless, I am still head over heels. It's just that I don't have the courage to speak nor do I have the strenght to stay away. I'll always be your bestfriend.