Once upon a time, she was amazed!

The Dreamer is still asleep

The dreamer in me is struggling inside; for the past few days, I’m trying to keep it down since I started reviewing. I must concentrate, but sadly, I can’t.

Somehow, my subconscious self has been sending me mixed messages since my arrival here in Canada. Probably I’ve been ovethinking that they made their way to my sleep—and almost everything that I’ve dreamt of is about this place and some memories. Two days ago, I’ve dreamt of going back to the Philippines to retrieve some things I’ve left and what’s weird is I passed through a portal. And yesterday, it was about a good professor I had getting furious at me for going out the country. Then there are some wilder ones, even as wild that I killed a man in my dream for a music player and a bill. I’ve been keeping track of these dreams with my journal.

Now I’m finding good use for the psychology subject I’ve taken up as a first year student. It has served me well since I first gained knowledge of it and until now it’s been keeping me sane for I have better understanding of how I feel and think. It’s not that I don’t really understand myself, but rather, it is about deepening the relationship with one’s self. Sometimes there’s this feeling of denial in our waking life that we can’t face and our subconscious uses our dream as an outlet for these feelings. We are made to face reality through our dreams. It is even a gateway to our inner self. And in some rare instances, it gives us a premonition of the near future. I can attest to this for it happened to me. This is the beauty of psychology and dream analysis—there’s a mystery that is always yet to be explored.

Maybe after my written test for driving, I shall listen to a podcast I’ve downloaded. It is the audio version of Sigmund Freud’s Dream Psychology.

Sad day is Crazy

“I’m Crazy for this Girl” has been playing on my playlist for the nth time. Don't mind me changing the she to he.

Would you look at him

He looks at me,

He's got me thinking about him constantly,

But don’t know how I feel,

And as he carries himself without a doubt,

I wonder if he’s figured out,

I’m crazy for this boy.

I think cupid hit me during the most unexpected time and I can’t help but feel sad--sad because this love story is far from reality, just now. This might be the first time that I’m actually considering the prospect of getting serious with you-know-what. What is not to fall in love with a guy who has everything? He’s an athlete—a tall athlete, a scholar, and a good-looking guy with some sense of humor. There’s just one hitch, he might think I’m a big sister, not someone he’d get serious with anyway. But hell, I’m only a year his senior!

When I was in high school, I imposed a “no-boyfriend-allowed” policy on myself which didn’t exactly turn out right. Now in college, I did the same thing in the hopes of getting serious with the practical side of life. The kind of stuff such as finances, business and the like; I’m taking up a business course and loved it anyway. I thought I was doing things right until this. Maybe getting me off from the Philippines to Canada was a way saving me from heart ache; I won’t have to deal with fictional things like love. This explains why until now, I haven’t had any good relationships.

Yesterday, we had dinner at Mr and Mrs George Ekman’s which was superb! We had Chinese food for appetizer and main dish while Italian pasta was for dessert. I thought it was a weird combination--Chinese-Italian--but anyhow, after cleaning up the dishes, we had a conversation about boyfriends. And boy did the question go to me. I replied I’m not looking right now. My focus is solely business. And that if ever I’ll get a boyfriend, he should be rich and tall. I don’t know if I made a good impression, everything I said was really spontaneous. But thinking about my answer yesterday, the guy I’m liking isn’t even rich. Maybe he’s tall, but not rich. You really can’t choose who to like or fall in love.

It’s too late anyway; I have chosen to go away by myself. This is for my good, they said; and I trusted them. Let’s see what will happen a few years from now. Tomorrow’s tidings might be worth the heart ache today.

_____

On the other note, they left me. The family left and went to the grocery without waking me up. I’m just pissed off. What’s worse is we’ve got visitors. It’s a really bad day trying to fake a smile for them. And here they are. Bye!

How they did their Sunday Mass

Part of any Catholic’s weekly routine is attending the Sunday Mass. We are not exactly devout Catholics but still, tradition tells us to attend every week or so. Since today is Sunday, we woke up early—around four in the morning—to prepare. In the Philippines, mass starts at nine; but here, it was at exactly eleven in the morning. Much of my morning was spent writing letter to friends.

The chapel is just a few blocks away from home, I think I can walk it if it weren’t for the larger-than-the-usual mosquitoes lingering around. I swear they are not so usual. At a closer look, you could see that their sucking needles have black fur-like particles. It’s a pretty good thing they don’t bring malaria. A few minutes of driving will already bring you to the chapel. The structure was of shaped like any Christian church, it is wide and the roof high. The catch is it is almost entirely made of wood. The ceiling and the wooden support are all of varnished wood while the walls seem to be plated with linoleum or Formica. I’m not so sure of the plating material but the insides are of wood. I guess it is still because of their climate. Cement won’t do well in such harsh conditions, it might become too brittle. Metal would be a good conductor—both of heat and cold. Their altars doesn’t have much saintly figures in it, unlike in the Philippine churches where saints are venerated too much—even as far as wiping them in the belief that it might bring good luck. There were only two images, one wooden crucifix and a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus on the side. I also find their wooden pawns of interest. The have these small nooks where you have three materials: a booklet of mass proceedings, a paperbound book of liturgical songs, and a bible-like songbook. It is amusing that these reading materials aren’t even dog-eared or vandalised.

People inside were mostly whites, with a few Filipino families in cliques seated closely together. Majority of these whites is already in their old age. I only saw a handful of whites in our age bracket which brings me to the thinking that young Canadians aren’t brought up in a really traditional manner; unlike in our culture where it is expected that there would be a strict following of tradition. Anyhow, times are already changing and Filipino parents are becoming lenient.

Mass proceedings are done in an almost identical way. I still had a hard time listening that sometimes I miss a few phrases of the homily. I wish my ears are bigger, that might help me hear more. The priest speaks slow yet I can’t really catch up with everything he says. Listening to homilies might help me understand their accent, I think I’ll be going for the next Sundays to hone my listening abilities. Their accent still sounds peculiar to my native ears. Towards the end of the mass, I have observed a few differences in how Canadians celebrate their Sunday gatherings:

1. They don’t reach for their seatmate’s hand during the Lord’s Prayer. Westerners are said to prefer to keep their personal space. I think it’s awkward for them to hold the hands of the person adjacent to them
2. During communion, they don’t scurry towards the priest; but rather, they wait and only stand up when it’s their aisle’s turn. I find this amusing, I haven’t seen people lining up in such order.
3. Instead if simply saying, “Peace be with you,” people will gesture you to shake hands. In the Philippines, they kiss their family members’ cheek.
4. Places of worship are treated with utmost respect that noise was almost alien to the area. I bet the dropping of a pin can be heard from the altar because of the eerie silence.
5. They sang the Canadian National Anthem during the closing procession in celebration of Canada day.

Happy Canada Day!

It is Survival of the Fittest

Aspiring Filipinos have this misconception that once you set foot on another foreign country, you are part of the higher portion of the social strata. I must admit that I had been part of that populace living in ignorance. When I was younger, I used to look up to overseas workers. To my young mind, they must be filthy rich because of the dollars they earned and the places they have been to. What I did not know is they won’t be going that far hadn’t they earned what they deserve. This reality I learned in economics but did not fully comprehend. It wasn’t until my own father had to leave the country for the very same reason. That, my friend, gave me a bitter bite of reality. Reality bites, as they call it.

Now, I’m joining the ranks of those living overseas—far from the people they love the most. I might not be working full-time like my father, but I am certain that I am here for I believe I have more to learn if I’ll let go of my security blanket. The Philippines had been my home for most of my childhood and going beyond its borders was far from my plans. The prospect of leaving came after a few occurrences in my education and personal life. These incidences later justified my decision to push through with my ambitious plans. Like any other ambition, there have always been setbacks.

At my third day, I’m starting to feel homesick. Even with my family with me, the feeling of loneliness starts to dwell within me. I know that in weeks’ time, I will be left on my own. If there would be anything that I miss the most right now, it should be my closest friends. Without any stable means of getting in touch, I feel terrible. During the wee hours of the morning, I let my mind wander off thinking how they are, what they are doing or if the feeling is even mutual—if they are still thinking of how I am in this alien country.

During the few times I’ve started to go out of our flat, I can’t help but notice how different these foreigners are physically. They look like years beyond their age; on the other hand, I look like a kid from elementary. Eighteen-year-olds here look like as if they are already in their late twenties. I’m not sure if that will be an advantage for me—looking too young for my age because of my features, built and height. I feel disheartened, honestly. I’m still weighing what are the advantages and the disadvantages of looking too young. It might sound really funny and shallow, but that may help me feel a bit better.

For the past few days, I’ve been crossing my bridge before even getting there. Thinking of the near future makes me anxious. I’ve been asking myself, “Where will I study?” “Will I repeat high school?” “Can I handle the pressure of work?” “Can I keep up with the pace of living here?” and so on. The endless list of questions keeps goes on and is drifting afloat. Before I could even start answering one of them, another question pops up. Until now, no question is answered. What lies ahead of me is still uncertain.

With no concrete plan in mind, I need to survive. After all, it will be a survival of the fittest.

Getting to Know Canada

We woke up at around six in the evening. As expected, the sun is still there. We visited a few people and what I’ve been seeing in this new terrain is surprising. Biggar is an entirely different place compared to Manila. Everything written down is based on first impressions and observations.

Weather and seasons. Touchdown at Vancouver International Airport was around seven in the evening; but looking outside the window, the sun was still up! To my Filipino senses, it is still midday. I was later told that the sun really sets late, around 10pm since it is summer. When I first set foot in our flat, it was around fourteen degrees Celsius—which was around four in the morning. During afternoons, temperature rises up to not more than twenty-eight degrees. I feel like I’m in Baguio before it was even overpopulated. The cold weather also makes me not eat, I’m not so sure why but that’s a good thing since I have observed my waistline has been expanding since the start of the despedida parties before I left.

People and community. I’ve met a few of the friendly locals in the area, like the Tuico family and our landlady Jones’ family. It was Mr. And Mrs. Tuico and their daughter, Hannah, who welcomed us in the airport; while Jones is the landlady of Papa’s current bedspace. Biggar is a really small community that almost everyone knows anyone living in it. You can even go around the area in a bicycle or even walking. The downside is that since it is a province, the nearest city to it, Saskatoon, is an hour away by car.

Food. We haven’t really eaten at any diner in our area. It is already closed before we could even get up—our body clocks are still badly adjusted to the Canadian time. We had frozen pizzas for our midnight dinner. We had no choice anyway. Surprisingly, it tastes way better than Pizza Hut that is so nasty because of the oiliness of the crust and the pizza itself.

Mosquitoes. I discovered that pests are the most problematic things for locals here. If you thought that mosquitoes in Manila are so damn nasty, you haven’t visited Canada yet. Mosquitoes here are twice, if not thrice, the size of their relatives in the Philippines. What is more annoying is that once they have bitten you, they won’t go away even if you’re shaking them off. I’m pretty sure they are hungry since they have finished their hibernation over the colder seasons of the year. Tomorrow, I won’t go out without wearing pants and long sleeves.

Leaving Manila

I never thought that travel from Manila to Biggar is crazy.

The first of the three—yes, three air plane rides which was almost intolerable---rides we’ve had was really long. The flight to Vancouver was in a jumbo jet which was cozy. They got and while we are getting nearer to our destination, the plane is getting smaller and smaller. We had two connecting flights after Vancouver that makes it almost intolerable. I enjoyed my first airplane ride with Philippine Airlines but after that no more—I’ve had enough of it. During the third and last final flight, which was from Calgary to Saskachewan, we’ve noticed that the place looks empty at night. No lights except that of the airport. I guess the best explanation to that is there are hardly any people in Canadian rural areas. If having three plane rides is not enough, we still had to travel for one hour by car. It was really dark by then, it seems to me that driving towards Biggar is like plunging to an endless abyss.

Shortest One-hour Conversation

"Walk with me," she said.

Dr. Evelyn Songco isn't like your ordinary professor or adviser. She didn't even become my adviser to begin with. It just so happened that I became part of the Thomasian Leaders' Congress that I met her; because she is the head of the Office of Student Affairs.

When I arrived in her office, she was to leave for a meeting and so I accompanied her to the main building and back to the OSA. During our short walk, we talked about migration, international studies and the prospect of giving back after my return. She is an keen listener, weighing on my points and commenting on what could be a better alternative. Though a bit saddened, she still urged me to continue my studies abroad. There will be a new culture to learn, after all; thus, giving me a bigger room for growth and wider perspective. Immersion in a western culture gave me hesitations but she assured me that I can make it. I also confided in her about the real reason of my departure, the problems I have seen in my college and even my dreams. Yes, even my lofty and far-fetched dreams. She simply chuckled when I told her, "Yun nga po ang problema ko, immigrant na kami kaya baka di ko na matupad yung pangarap ko na maging presidente ng Pilipinas." (That's my problem, we're already immigrants so I won't be able to pursue my dream of becoming president of the Philippines) She smiled and told me, "It's good to dream, you've got a good dream." Funny as it may seem, I once dreamed of becoming president thinking that Philippines have all the potential to become a developed country. She thought it was amusing, having a pessimistic student suddenly share her aspirations to become president after attending a congress.

My second year in the university was grueling. I found my schooling in our college inadequate; program unstructured; and even the whole system unforgiving. I must say though that despite all those flaws, I learned. There are still a few people, professors and student leaders, dedicated to their purpose. They taught me how to survive and adapt to the college culture. I cannot deny that I had a cynical outlook towards the university, having been through an ordeal in my stay. Being open-minded as she is, she didn't criticize me; instead she told me that she cannot blame me for my college defined my perspective of the university.

Fortunately, I was given a slot to attend the Thomasian Leaders' Congress. The event left me a good impression that I was in good hands after all. I made a hasty generalization and I stand corrected in my presumptions.

That was the shortest one-hour conversation I've ever had. I felt that there was this sense of trust given to me, like the one conveyed by my father. I won't let them down, I mustn't. Their trust will be my drive to strive harder.
___________

"What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it's too late to do anything is comical. It's hilarious...We're so young. We can't, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it's all we have." (Marina Keegan)

She Can Still Rise To Her Feet

I think that there wouldn't be any good word to rightly describe how I feel right now. Confusion would be a bit negative and exhilaration would be too much of the good thing. I'm at a loss of emotion to even feel.

The moment I was told that our visas have arrived, I felt a sudden throb in my chest. Having the visas doesn't simply mean traveling for it is something much more larger than that.We're moving out for good. For a person who has lived the past seventeen years of her life in a country so downtrodden as the Philippines, such news would be greeted with a happy disposition. Well, maybe yes, the Philippines is indeed going down the drain but for the past few months, I've come to see this country in a different light. This country has potential (I'm pretty sure everyone knows that) which is still waiting to be re-discovered. If I could compare Philippines to anything, it would be to a diamond. Cut and polished, it can outshine the highest priced jewel in the auction house. Philippines, if steered to the right path, can best its contemporaries. We have done it once, can't we do it again? We have almost reached the summit, allegedly becoming the second richest country in the world during Marcos' time. We have the resources to carve our own imprint in the international trade and market (Fact: we once became self-sustainable with rice and almost with electricity)

But above anything else, we have the manpower to put this nation on the pedestal. Many Filipinos are much well-known overseas. We have certain personalities who have excelled in their respective fields such as Michael Carandang who just brought Filipino artistry in the limelight when creations by Francis Libiran were featured in America's Next Top Model.

One thing saddens me though, the people who could have elevate us to a position of distinction are the very same people who pull us down. We could have had it all but we didn't.
___________________________

My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. (John F. Kennedy)

In three to five sentences, how can you describe the beauty of Mother Nature to a blind child?

(Credits to the owner)

"Honestly, the beauty of nature is indescribable. Words wouldn't have been enough to paint God's almighty masterpiece in a blind child's imagination. The morning dawn is infinite with the sun's immaculate rays reaching all corners of the earth. The seas and land is bountiful, teemed with all creatures imaginable, from the smallest of the species to the most colossal in its size. But the most astonishing canvas would only be unveiled every sundown, when finally, a sheet of blue, violet, pink and even orange cloaks the awe-inspiring sky, thus, staging the most breathtaking show on earth!"

Parading the rainbow of colors on the streets of New York!

"We reached a new level of social justice." -Gov. Andrew Cuomo

I covered some part of this
picture for conservatism's sake. lol

It is official. The free city of New York became the sixth US city to approve the marriage equality legislation. Governor Andrew Cuomo signed the bill just before midnight Friday.

Gay rights advocates all over the world joined in the celebration of the long awaited signing of the bill that legalizes same-sex marriage in New York. The city, being the largest US state which approved the said bill, is now blooming with LGBT (Read: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) pride!

June 29, 2008. (AP Photo/Craig Ruttle)

The sexual revolution of 1960's marked the start of a new movement that is set to challenge the sexual conformities of the society. Since this period onwards, the norms of the society has been changed. Formerly unthinkable acts such as abortion, contraception, nudity, homosexuality and even pre-marital sex has been rampant and mainstream. It is really hard to have a stand in this kind of issue. On one end, you might think that it really is right to have a go on this law. Everyone does deserve a chance to be happy, right? Even the people of the third gender, they have that innate right. And if that is what makes them happy, as long as they aren't doing any harm, then, let them be. Though you still can't erase the fact that it would look somehow awkward, especially if they have children (whether they would be adopted or surrogated, giving birth is not an option). But if they have the financial and the emotional capacity to raise those kids, that would be good. But then, it is still a big question whether the church deems the act as something moral. Though the obvious answer would be no. They have been strongly against it for ages, insisting that marriage is something sacred, thus, it should be a union between a man and a woman only. The passage of the said bill is also deemed to be the deterioration of the people's morality. Nevertheless, the law was signed with a 33-29 votes in favor of the republicans. Sorry, Obama, your conservative views have no place in America. Yesterday's passage of the law is the momentum for equality of the sexes.

This is similar to how an average person's perspective of gay couples having children.

Sometimes, it makes me think of how homo-phobics are so narrow-minded to actually think that way. So yes, I am actually for the legalization of same-sex marriages. Here are some of the celebrities who have gone out of their closets.

Neil Patrick Harris from How I Met Your Mother and
longtime partner, David Burtka has planned on
saying I-do's now that New York has
legalized same-sex marriages